Last week, The Daily Telegraph reported that Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, Holocaust-denier, Iranian president, was descended from Jews. It was revealed that his family’s original name, abandoned in the early 1950s, was Sabourjian, which the newspaper maintained was a common Persian Jewish surname meaning “weaver of the sabour,” sabour meaning “prayershawl.” Meir Javedanfar, writing days later in The Guardian, asserted that Persian Jews referred to their shawls by the Hebrew word tzitzit; that Sabourjian was not a Jewish surname; that Ahmadinejad’s father was an observant Shia Muslim who once worked as a teacher of Koran; and that his mother was a Seyyede, one of a priestly caste descended directly from the Prophet Muhammad. Apparently, the family only changed their name to advance their class: Who wants to be “Mr. Weaver-and-dyer-of-carpets”—“painted thread” being the more accurate translation of sabour—when you could be called the scion of Ahmad, one of the many names of the polyonymous Prophet (also, Ahmad was the name of Ahmadinejad’s father).
All of which is a terrible shame—that Ahmadinejad does not join that illustrious company of Jews who become Jewish persecutors. Ferdinand II, who expelled the Jews from Spain in 1492, was the grandson of a Jewess; his wife, Isabella I, had Jewish ancestors, as did Manuel I, who exiled the Jews from Portugal in 1496. Torquemada was a Jew, it goes without saying. Mussolini was a Jew who only had sexual relations with Jews, including Margherita Sarfatti, art patron, journalist, Mother of Fascism. Of course, Hitler was a coreligionist: His father was conceived while his grandmother worked, as a servant, for a rich Jewish family named Frankenberger, in the town of Graz. Though a few accounts say their affair was consensual, most hold that the Führer’s grandmother was sadistically raped. After the Anschluss, Hitler ordered a certain Austrian village entirely destroyed, including its synagogue and cemetery, which contained the Jewish headstones of his relatives. Obviously, Hitler felt most comfortable around his own kind. Approximately half of the Nazis were Jewish, including Reinhard Heydrich. Also Jewish were Erhard Milch, head of the Luftwaffe; Robert Lay, head of the German Labor Front; and, while we’re at it, Eichmann. Ditto Emil Maurice, Hitler’s bodyguard and chauffeur, and Arthur Kannenberg, Hitler’s (vegetarian) chef. The Wehrmacht Soldier of the Year for 1938 was Werner Goldberg.
Saddam Hussein was Jewish, as was Alexander the Great, Yassir Arafat, Nasser and Sadat. Gaddafi. Idi Amin. Saladin. Emich of Flonheim, a German baron and prodigious massacrist of the First Crusade, was a converted Jew. In the 1090s he killed tens of thousands of his people throughout the Rhineland. Khalid Almihdhar, Majed Moqed, Nawaf Alhazmi, Salem Alhazmi, Hani Hanjour, Satam M.A. Al Suqami, Waleed M. Alshehri, Wail M. Alshehri, Mohamed Atta, Abdulaziz Alomari, Marwan Al-Shehhi, Fayez Rashid Ahmed Hassan Al Qadi Banihammad, Ahmed Alghamdi, Hamza Alghamdi, Mohand Alshehri, Saeed Alghamdi, Ahmed Ibrahim A. Al Haznawi, Ahmed Alnami, and Ziad Samir Jarrah, who flew jetliners into the World Trade Center and Pentagon, and crashed a plane in rural Pennsylvania, were Israeli citizens, and Mossad agents. That is why no Jews died in the attacks of September 11. Twelve of the fifteen Romanovs were Jewish. As were over fifty percent of the Popes. The Egyptians who enslaved the Jews were Jews themselves who’d settled in Egypt in the time of Joseph son of Jacob. Nebuchadnezzar, Jewish. Titus, Jewish. The Cossacks were former rabbis. Australia and New Zealand both have majority Jewish populations, as does Harlem, because all black people are descended from the Ten Lost Tribes (as is a preponderance of Native Americans, and Mormons). At least two Byzantine Emperors had Jewish blood: Justinian I, who made reading, writing, and speaking Hebrew illegal, and Leo III, who outlawed Judaism itself. The Jews who killed Christ were Jews. Like Hitler’s grandmother, Stalin’s mother was also a domestic helper, but for a Jewish family from Gori—the Papisnedovs, or Papismedovs. She was almost certainly raped by them, too, and so Stalin was—no doubt about it—Semitic. As was Lenin. As was Trotsky, if you can believe it.
